If you were gay, that would okay, I mean ‘cause hey, it kinda looks awesome anyway

So with the Winter Olympics in Sochi in full-force at the moment, there’s been only one thing on people’s minds. And no, it’s not ‘Why the fuck is curling even a thing?’

Everyone’s been thinking about the gays.

Now, I being someone who thought a lot about gays anyway (bless you M rated fanfiction) has to wonder why hatin’ on the gays is even happening. I mean what the fuck? How could anyone hate homosexuals simply for their people preference? 

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I for one am loving the way the World joined jazz hands to shove iridescent rainbows down Vladimir Putin’s throat until he weeps glitter, but the fact that we even have to is absurd. 

It’s a lot of fun, but I really wish it was unnecessary. 

And also, I kinda wish that I was gay.

Wow. Yep so I just admitted that. 

Just to clear the air though, I’m not. I wish I was, but I’m not.

...I think I should start explaining.

Basically, I like males. I don’t want to say I’m 100% straight because my friends and I discuss this frequently and have reached the decision that practically no one is 100% straight. I consider myself about 98% straight right now. That could well change in the future, but as of the here and now I like the D.

...Well not the D so much as the person who pilots the D. Depending on the person – look let’s just say I like the package deal of some individuals with the D alright? I could hate the actual D itself, I haven’t much experience with them other fleeting glances on Omegle and I can genuinely say that wasn’t exactly a pleasant experience.

Anyway, as much as I like males, they also piss me off. Collectively I mean (always exceptions) and from what I’ve gathered men and women often complain about the opposite gender quite a lot.

Angry snarls of “Men!” or “Women!” seem to be excessively used by both sides on the grounds that the opposite gender just ‘Don’t understand’ or are ‘Impossible!’

...So if men and women understand their own genders way more than the opposite one...then why aren’t more people gay?

“Because of procreation and the human drive to reproduce!” I hear the scientists shout.

“Because God said Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!” I hear the babbling Bible bashers screech.

“Because the sex isn’t as satisfying!” I hear absolutely no one shout, because if someone was ignorant enough to do so I would actually hit them with a hefty wad of fanfiction and tell them to get a fucking education because even I as a 17 year old virgin know that sex depends on the people having it, not their bloody genders.

...And yes if anyone was wondering I have read so much gay male fanfiction that I sometimes wish I was a gay male so I could try out my slick new moves but then I remember that I love being female and that the world probably wouldn’t be able to handle a gay male me anyway. I’d be like Zachary Quinto’s and Neil Patrick Harris’ gay love child but even sexier. I know.

Back to the procreation point – the World is overpopulated anyway; why not have a lower birth count? The gays can adopt some stray orphans instead of popping out another bundle of neediness and then everyone’s happy! Little orphan Annie gets some sparkly new parents and we survive another few years without the human population getting so high that the only solution is a massive scaled Hunger Games or all out war. Seriously man – at the rate we’re going in a few years time people will literally be stabbing each other over a pot of rice pudding because food will be that scarce. Rice pudding! I mean, who even really likes that shit? (Me).

Now, about that ‘Adam and Eve’ bull-crap. I’m not religious but even I know Jesus wasn’t out to thwart the homosexual agenda. I’m pretty sure he never said shit about gays to be honest. And if we’re going to start looking closely at the Bible, I could literally point out a billion plot holes without batting an eyelash. I mean, were Adam and Eve even married before they did the do? I’m fine if you’re religious but please, leave the gays out of your daddy issues. 

Anyway, being gay isn’t a life choice. If it was I would have picked that option long ago. But it’s not; it’s not something you can force on people and it’s not something you can stop. It’s just there and people need to accept that because personally, I think being gay looks pretty fun.

But alas, as much as I’d like to be, I’m not gay, I’m not bi, I’m not pan, I’m not asexual – right now, I’m pretty damn straight so I’m going to have to get on with it.

Maybe in a few years I’ll find a man that’s perfect for me, and I’ll laugh at how I wanted to be gay like the way I wanted to be a tiger when I was six.

Or maybe in a few years I’ll find a woman that I love and find out new things about myself and go “Huh, what do you know? I like the V.”

Or maybe I’ll realise fictional characters are the only ones people I’ll ever truly love.

Oh my god that’s it....

...I’m Ficsexual.

And that my friends, is the gospel truth.

(Also holla, it’s my birthday! And how am I beginning my 17^th year on this Earth I hear you ask? I’m bedridden and sick as a dog eating midget gems and writing about wanting to be gay. Fabulous.)